And yes, true to my wishes, shortly after the cold season (Yes, cold season, you heard that right and your guess is as accurate as mine), I confirmed that indeed, it was just a matter of months before I could see my newborn baby boy or girl. I had a series of mixed feelings and reactions. On one hand, I was like “yes! I’m gonna be a Dad”, something I’ve always longed for, and on the other hand, there were more questions than answers lingering my mind.
Sometimes last year, the urge to be a parent continued to grow stronger in me. I had been pregnant with this urge for the previous 5 years or so, and yes I felt that time was ripe. I wasn’t entirely enthusiastic considering that it was never going to be a solo decision. This is the moment I wished that life could behave like a cyber computer, only then would it be possible to get all answers by initiating a keyboard command on the go.
It was a cocktail of thoughts. A true definition of mixed feelings. Something told me that being a first-timer in this club, it was okay to feel anxious and unprepared. Something else also told me that I had to man-up and be responsible enough and that there were no two ways about it. For the first time in a loooong time, I felt like my thoughts had held my nerves on the throat.
The rate at which my mind was processing these new life-changing developments was wanting. Yes, I was kind of slow, I never wanted to rush into any negative or positive conclusions. And yes, deep down my inner-self, I knew I had some sought of a plan, however figureless it was. After all, isn’t that what I do on a daily basis? It’s a routine, right? I was used to drawing a sketchy plan for the day everytime I woke up. But one thing was for sure, it’s one thing to want to be a parent or adore parenthood and another to be one yourself. As a matter of fact, thoughts and ideas are one thing, reality and the actual are another. I had to fact check this excitement. It was too much … to be real, hehe.
I thanked myself for keeping my cool and everything I did and felt was simply natural. Like any other parent, I wanted to be the best ever person to my yet to be born child. If my father was alive, I would have asked him how he felt when the stubborn little me was almost coming to this world. I envied him and I knew he would have been as honest as possible, and we would have all smiled at each other affectionately during such a rare father-son light moment. But then, this was never to happen! Fate things. After all, life is not about who or what never happens, it’s about who or what happens and the decisions you make thereafter.
I yearned for a manual, something I could refer to, and crosscheck to evaluate myself. Every time I walked along the streets of town and met an expectant woman, I felt a strong sense of empathy but could only allow respect to manifest because of my egocetric state at that time. All I wanted was to offer a helping hand in whichever way that was possible. Of course wanting to and doing are separate, but all the same it was a show of good will. It was the same way I expected my wife and soon to be mother of my child to be treated. It was simply not possible for me to be physically available to her throughout.
My spiritual self got the better of me on realising that alone I would not manage the protection role that I was being called to perform. I mean, even the strongest of green seals and highly trained special forces work in shifts, reason being they get fatigued at some point. This was the time I signed a pact with the Archangel Michael. We agreed that he would protect my family regardless of my proximity to them. That was a pact and the best I could do was send my prayers and offerings in return.
Time moved pretty fast. I was literally counting days. For the first time in my life I felt like a man-mum. Thanks to technology, I had installed an app on my phone to help me with the count. And it was as accurate as any other scientifically approved medical count could be. This enabled me to be in tandem with the growth of my unborn child. Internet and specifically YouTube became my very good friend, some information was misleading but what mattered to me was ‘some’ information. It was at least better than having none.
The first big day was drawing closer. I became super excited. I was careful enough to separate ‘big days’. I didn’t want to mix feelings again. I wanted each big day to enjoy its own unique feeling. Therefore, the first big day was that of the first Ultra Sound scan. Firstly because we would be able to see the baby and how it was growing. Secondly because, we would know which colour to paint (based on the sex of baby) during baby shower. Mark you I have never attended a baby shower, I didn’t even know what it entailed. A man has got to be a man right? But sorry not this time.
I was ready (so I thought), and I had no preference. All I wanted was a baby of my own. My true flesh and blood, I cared less whether it was going to be a boy or a girl. My plan to kick start fatherhood and dad-hood was almost complete. I could not wait any longer.